Couples Tips

Couples Tips 

  1. Do you want more of something? Acknowledging what goes right is so much more effective than complaining about what doesn’t. So cultivate a habit of noticing the things your partner does well and, then, warmly express appreciation.
  2. Instead of going right to “you’re wrong,” linger in curiosity a while. Say, instead: “Huh, tell me why you feel that way?” Your partner is more likely to feel heard and, who knows, you might learn something.
  3. The essence of love is not a feeling. It’s the things you do to show it. So always keep this reminder in the forefront of you brain: “I am not doing a menial, annoying or unpleasant chore. I am loving my partner.”
  4. “Demands” are a last resort to be avoided if possible. But always “ask” for what you want. Doing so, gives your partner a vivid roadmap for loving you. And that is a wonderful gift. Why? Because it sets him up for that exquisite feeling that comes when he knows he is loving you really well.
  5. Its not enough to hear you partner. He needs to really know that. Don’t stop at “I got it” or “I understand.” Repeat it back so he knows that you really do know.
  6. “Lean into bids.” When your partner says something take your eyes away from the computer, look at her, and acknowledge what she said. And work really hard not to “turn away from bids”: No response at all, a distracted “huh?” or a cutting and dismissive retort.
  7. When your partner is getting dressed to go out, find something to authentically compliment. She is looking for emotional support and not a fashion critique.
  8. Trust is paramount. Expressing an important truth is essential, even if it will upset your partner. So be forthright AND available to lovingly and patiently tend to the any pain it might evoke in your partner.
  9. When your partner shares something emotional, job 1 is to make her feel understood. Don’t change the subject by raising one of your issues. Time is on your side. You can do that tomorrow or next week. And leave the problem solving for last – and get into only when its clear that is something your partner welcome.
  10. When your partner asks you to do something, try your best to do it RIGHT NOW. Delay or temporizing (“yeah, I’ll get to it”) can only shrink partner’s good feeling about your pitching in.
  11. Women are not looking for a dutiful lieutenant who does what he’s told to do. They want a co-general who, like them, sees what needs to be done, and does it.
  12. When trust and shared values are in place, an excellent daily goal is to have 2 completely equal priorities: Your needs and your partner’s needs.
  13. When you’re triggered and ready to attack, try this: Say nothing, and take the time to go through the painful process of letting go of your anger and frustration.
  14. Don’t assume you know what your partner is saying. Let him say it fully. Even if you’re 90% right, the other 10% is likely to make your partner feel unheard. Allow your partner to be the expert in chief about what’s going on with him.
  15. When annoyed, instead of criticizing what just happened, look for a way to ask for a different kind of behavior the next time.
  16. If leaving the keys on the table bothers your partner, absent a significant reason to continue, stop doing it. And when she calls you on it, resist the temptation to say “you do it too” or “but you do ___________ [insert your pet peeve].”
  17. Reach out and touch your partner at random moments.
  18. If your partner wants to make love and you don’t, instead of saying “no,” try this: “Thanks, you know how much I love making love to you, but now isn’t a good time for me.”